Category: Thoughts

I don’t recall the exact timeframe, when this began to happen: every time something worries or upsets me, I ask a question out loud with regard to my concern. For example: “will …………. happen”? My instantaneous reactions have been correct more often, than I care to admit. A smile indicates that whatever troubles me will most likely be unwarranted. If I start to cry, or have a hard time breathing, it is a sign that there is validity to my fear. The situation or problem may not play out precisely the way I feared it would, but close enough. Now on to my current worry, and why I explained the above prior to diving into the topic…

You may have gathered, that I lost all of my belongings due to an apartment fire two decades ago. As a coping mechanism this incident is being repressed, in order for me to function and move on with my life. It probably should have been addressed in therapy, but wasn’t considered “important” by the therapist at the time.
The past couple of days I’ve been having flashbacks about that Saturday night. Simultaneously there’s this underlying fear, that I may have to endure another fire in the house or my apartment within the next two years. However, my mom told me yesterday, that our tenant left for vacation shortly after christmas, with the candles in his living room burning and the dishwasher still turned on. My mom only became aware because she was asked to open and close the shutters daily and to water the plants. Imagine, if those candles would have been burning without being discovered in time… Oh my days, I don’t want to think this through. She purposely didn’t tell me right away because she knew, what this would set into motion. And here we are. I try to keep the panic in check, with limited success. Yesterday afternoon I was in my craftroom, fairly calm, working on a new project. So far it turns out pretty well, so I went back upstairs in a good mood. But as soon as I sat down to listen to my favorite songs for a while, the pictures about us standing in the street, watching our house go up in flames kept coming back. That’s when I asked out loud, whether or not this will happen, and started to cry immediately. It took quite a while to calm down again. I probably drive myself crazy over nothing, right? There’s no need for panic, right? Good heavens, no one needs such an experience even once, let alone twice. I know, that I can’t talk to my mom about this [and my asked out loud question], because she will personally check me into to the psychiatric ward. Perhaps speaking to my neighbor and friend about my worries is the better option. Or should I keep it to myself? Gawd, I don’t know. How do I keep that panic mode under control? I thought about making copies of the most important documents, as well as a few small items my heart is very attached to. But where do I store it? Well, experience taught me, that as long as I have my little puppy girl, I’ll be okay. Everything else may have value, but in the end they’re just things and not that important. Okay, the first step is to pack this backpack I think. Even if it’s a silly thing to do, but at least I’m doing something. Second, I will make sure that Lilly wears a collar at all times from now forward, even in the house, so that I can grab her more easily if necessary. Good riddance. Am I going off the deep end? I can’t let this fear get the best of me, but then again, that’s easier said than done.