My Favorite ‘Necessary Evil’

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What is the best pair of shoes you have ever owned?

I’m not one of those I-love-shoes kind of gal. They are a “necessary evil“, nothing more.
However, back in the States I had a pair of Skechers mule sneakers that I loved a lot. I wore them everywhere, all the time. Those shoes were so comfy and durable, just awesome. In fact, when my favorite shoes started to fall apart, I was actually upset about having to throw them into the bin. Sadly I never found shoes again, that I enjoyed wearing as much as those Skechers.

Setting The Timer

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What, besides good posture, do you have to remind yourself about regularly?

A big problem is my daily water intake. All too often I barely manage to drink one liter throughout the day. Ridiculous as it is, I have to set a timer in 30 minute intervals to ensure, that I have a sip of water regularly.

At The Car’s Mercy?

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Image: Claudia Braun

Good morning and happy Sunday!

Sorry for being MIA. Lilly was unwell with a tummy ache these past few days. And while she is always my top priority, she needed additional care and comfort to help her feel better again.

How about a new question, generated at random? It’s been a while, let’s see what comes up today…

How do you feel about cars becoming fully autonomous and

having no steering wheel, breaks, or accelerators?

Generally speaking I don’t do well with giving up control. Correspondingly, the thought of being in a car without the possibility to intervene in a potentially difficult or dangerous situation, makes me feel anxious. As long as I have other alternatives, that’ll be a “no thank you” from me.

Invisible Chains

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Daily writing prompt
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
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“Why did you stay”?

This is the question I hate to be asked more than any other. Why did you stay in a psychologically abusive relationship, twice? You know what? To this present day I ask myself the very same, even though the second relationship ended eight years ago…

My car was parked right in front of the house. He was gone often enough. I could have packed up the most important things, grab my puppy girl and leave. Plenty of chances. But I stayed. The sad thing is, that if it weren’t for my mom, getting me out of there, I would probably still be this man’s prisoner today. He conditioned my brain into thinking:

that I’m not lovable.
that I can’t do anything.
that he is the only one, able to put up with me.
that my family is thrilled to be rid of me.
that I’m nothing but a burden to society.
that I’m stupid
…and so forth

I don’t think that I will ever be able to sufficiently explain what it was like to be manipulated and to live with these invisible chains. This man cut me off from everyone I knew and made me believe, that I could not live without him and his loving care. A few years ago, I was in an online support group for a short while, with people sharing similar experiences. After the failure of so-called therapy, it was my way of trying to make sense of this “relationship” and to try and find closure. One thing we agreed upon was, that it is difficult [if at all possible] to explain “the why” to people who’ve never been conditioned, threatened and controlled by a partner. This is the kind of experience I would not wish on my worst enemy. It may come across as overly dramatic, but I think the only way to fully understand these invisible chains, or how much psychological abuse changes you and wares you down would be, to experience it. But again, I don’t wish that helplessness and pain, the self doubt and fear for anyone. May love and kindness embrace you, always❣️

Emotionally Attached

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Daily writing prompt
What are three objects you couldn’t live without?
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My response is based on the premise, that these three objects in question refer to non-essential lifestyle items…

Nearly every single one of us is in possession of objects, which hold immeasurable value. They may be handed down family heirlooms, or very special gifts from friends and loved ones in our social circle. You can’t put a price tag on pieces you are emotionally attached to. Still, over two decades ago life taught me in a very unkind way, that everything I truly need in day-to-day life is replaceable. So there are quite a few things I enjoy having, and don’t really want to do without, but they are definitely not a necessity in my daily life.

Self-Addressed

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Daily writing prompt
Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.
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Dang woman! One hundred years old and still annoying the world around you? Awesome!

It definitely took a lot of living and learning in order for you to finally love and accept yourself, one million flaws inclusive. The list of people, who weren’t helpful along the way is quite lengthy. There’s no need to count how many times a mean-spirited person tried to knock you down. What matters is, that they did not succeeded in the long run. Because giving up was never an acceptable choice. Good for you!
It is my sincere hope for you, that the golden years will be less challenging and instead, hold a few lovely and special moments. Hey, you better have a sweet and loving dog from a local shelter by your side? What am I thinking, of course you do! Life without a cold nose and a wagging tail? Not in a thousand years.
By the way, did you finally overcome the fear of being overheard singing? Girl, have at it! Who cares what folks around you think? Get your iPod, turn it up loud and sing along from the bottom of your heart. Pitch-perfect or not, at this age it makes no difference! Enjoy your life, you are allowed.
Are you still failing miserably at pleasing everyone around you? Dang woman, why the fluff are you even still trying? Knock it off, right this minute! The other people certainly don’t live to make you happy, either, do they? Do what you should have done for decades: Live Your Life For Yourself! Do I have to cuff you upside the head? [I wish I could].
How many hamsters did you outlive, because they kept your “worry-wheels” turning? [Raised eyebrow]! Did all that overthinking and all of that worrying do anything positive for you? No! Well stubborn, the way you’ve always been, gosh darn it…
And most importantly, because I don’t think you were told often enough by the people, supposedly nearest and dearest to you: I love you. Yes, you! As imperfect and difficult as you are. God and I may have our differences, but he made you the way you are for good reason. You certainly are an acquired taste and that’s okay. Some people stubbornly refuse to ‘acquire some taste’. Ignore them, because they are the ones you were, and always will be better off without. Love has always been your motivation and encouragement, not just each time life got a bit rough. The chase may not have been successful on your end, but hopefully love found you by now, even late in life. That’s my wish for you, along with good health. Are you finally able to take life with a grain of salt at this old age? Did you realize by now, that it’s the best way how to deal with this daily insanity? Lastly: You are better, than you ever gave yourself credit for. Nope! Don’t you even think about questioning that statement. Just believe me. And now put a smile on that wrinkly face and raise some hell…

Love ya, always.

Collision Course

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Honestly? I very much dislike Sunday afternoon walkies, especially when the weather is nice. Why? Because everyone and their mother is out and about as well. And if you adore people as much as I do [sarcasm off] you surely understand, because strange as it is, these “encounters” usually happen on Sundays…

Lilly and I are walking, enjoying the sun and the birds’ cheerful singing. Then I see a larger group of people coming towards us. They were walking three-in-a-row, taking up “my side of the narrow path” as well. They came closer…and closer still… One of those people, a man roughly sixty-five years of age, keeps coming straight at me, no sign of him moving aside. He was going to force Lilly and myself into the mud and bushes.
Well? One of my goals for this year is, to no longer be pushed around by other people and to not back down to just any Tom, Dick and Harry on the street. Even though I was taught as a child, to respect my elders, this situation wasn’t about disrespect towards that man. If anything he was disrespecting me [in my thinking].
I kept walking, looking him square into the face, signaling: “Oh, no no. I won’t back down. And if you refuse to move aside to let me pass, you’re going to have to run me down”. That did not faze him whatsoever. What do you think? At the last possible second he moved aside, still brushing my shoulder. What a prick, no?
I hate Sunday walkies, did I mention that? In passing, he mumbled a few choice words under his breath. Be proud of me, because instead of firing America’s finest vocabulary right back at him, I just kept walking, not giving him any response or satisfaction of knowing, that I was bothered by this scenario.
In the end, I had my “little triumph”, by not backing down to this dipshit. And that’s a fantastic reason for a lovely Sunday evening, instead of dwelling on that encounter today, no?

Questionable Motives

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Very rarely do I meet someone and immediately get a “potential-friendship-vibe”. While this statement may well be received as “overly dramatic” by others, it is true nonetheless. Actually, every lasting and meaningful friendship I was blessed with in my lifetime was initialized by the other person. Whatever, we’ve been down that dark, depressing alley a time or twenty-five...

Currently, that neighbor lady and I are making progress. But there are days when our lifestyle differences, and frequent misunderstandings leave me doubtful about any long term friendship potential. In general it never takes long until people get frustrated and call me exhausting, difficult and tiresome. Why, oh why did I think she would be the exception to the rule? Even more interesting is why on God’s green earth she keeps coming back for more? Most often she is the one, who initiates any conversation or activity…
Without the intention of wanting to accuse her of anything, I wonder why she wants to hang out with me? Maybe spending time with me gives her a feeling of superiority? Maybe she enjoys dazzling me with her intelligence, while letting me know simultaneously how dumb I am by comparison? What other motive can there be? She’s the type of person, who has a lot to share and I don’t mind that. Not only does it teach me to listen more and speak less, but more so, because I don’t find myself or my life all that exciting and share-worthy. She, in turn, likes to talk about her countless friends whom she’s known for decades. Well? What do you want with me then, I have to wonder? They are so well educated, do exciting things throughout their lives, traveled far, have impressive, expensive homes…yada, yada, yada. Am I supposed to be jealous? Of her friends? Of the things they do, or have? Am I supposed to feel lucky, that she gives me the time of day at all?

Sadly I don’t think that she and I will reach the friendship status, because I placed it on a pedestal. But that’s okay. Perhaps we will continue going for joined walks with the dogs, or meet up for a cup of coffee upon occasion and have good conversations. Now if I manage to not take everything so personally, or to question everything, and instead take this for what it is – without expectations, or the need for labels, I may end up happier with her being a part of my life for as long as it is meant to be.

How About ‘No’?

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Here is a ‘skill’ no one should have: the ability to casually steamroll you into doing things you don’t want to do. All, while your ear is being chewed off, in a conversation you never wanted to have in the first place…


Dogs need to socialize, and I would never deny Lilly the opportunity to meet other dogs or to interact with them. Regrettably, most often that involves small talk on my part as well. This annoying, useless chit-chat is something, I could very happily continue living without. Especially, when some pushy broad tries to force friendship on me…
Yesterday morning Lilly and I made our way back home, when all of a sudden I hear a lady yell “Is that a poodle”? She comes storming out of her house towards us, all wound up, asking yet again if Lilly is a poodle. I told her, that she’s a poodle mix and wanted to be on my way. But that woman started yapping…and yapping, seemingly not even stopping to take a breath. No chance for me to cut her off and get the fluff ‘out of Dodge’. Hell on earth, she was at it without end in sight. And what do you know? Right quick she started in on me, like: “hey, give me your phone number, so we can hook up for joined walks with the dogs”. As it turned out right then she has a little poodle, who came running out into the street. That explained the woman’s excitement, but not her intrusive behavior towards me. I should have communicated clearly and honestly, that I’m not interested at the minute, not after having just met. But instead? Being incredibly overwhelmed and annoyed by this woman, I wanted to get away ASAP without being rude. I definitely did not want to give her my number and have her call, or text me frequently. Yet, it was the easiest, quickest way to get rid of her…In the end I figured that it’s easier to block her number upon my return home, rather than having to explain myself right then and there, dragging this conversation on even longer.
Gosh, darn it. I failed yet again, at setting boundaries for myself. It wasn’t up to that pushy broad, to notice my overwhelm or my unease in that situation. I should have put my foot down and told her off. And the fact, that she didn’t let me get a word in edgewise, is no excuse either. I’m to blame for being steamrolled by her, because I allowed for it to happen. Maybe next time I can manage to say ‘no’!?