A few of the topics I have addressed this month, with my own version of the A-Z Challenge, awakened some unpleasant memories. Clearly, it was my choice to write about my past, and I don’t regret having done so. It is a form of therapy, even after all this time. And let’s be honest about one thing, you are here and reading my posts because you choose to, not because I am twisting your arm. Am I wrong? Today it’s drab and cold outside, quite fitting to how I feel. The best way to tackle that negativity is with some upbeat music…
Category: Thoughts
Sorry Excuse For A Man
Daily writing prompt
Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?
*** Trigger Warning *** Post Topic: Rape *** Trigger Warning ***
One of my relationships was with a manipulative, controlling man, who would throw things at me and start screaming, whenever I did not “behave” according to his wishes. God help me, I hated his guts for the way he treated me. Because of that I denied him physical contact and intimacy.
Being told ‘no’ was unacceptable for him. He was going to get what he wanted, regardless. Once, I woke up in the middle of the night, while he sexually assaulted me. I pushed him off before he could finish. But he did this at least one more time. How do I know that? Because it is literally the only way how he could have gotten me pregnant. That was 21 years ago.
To this day I hate myself for not pressing charges at the time. I should have put his rotten ass in jail, or at least make sure, that he’d be registered as a sex offender for the rest of his life. In hindsight I truly wish, that I wouldn’t have been in such a state of emotional paralysis back then. And much like most other women do, I buried myself in work and tried my best to forget about everything.
A-Z Challenge: Spider
Do you know the nightmare, too, that has you waking up in the middle of the night and once you turn on the light you see a spider right above your face? Eww. Bah. No, please no!
We’ve had this just the other day, I know. Outside, I am in their environment and I have to come to terms with them being there. But, if they invade my space it’s on! Yea, buddy. That gets the party going right quick. You best beware of flying objects across the room and furniture being moved, if necessary, until the creepy crawling creature has been successfully eliminated. Even if it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, makes no difference either. I won’t stop until that beast is flat like a stamp and no longer moving in any way, shape or form. Yes, they equally have the right to exist – just not in my apartment. And if they dare me, they will pay with their lives. Okay, subject squashed and dead 😉
What Exactly?
Truth be told, everything that is beyond my influence or control makes me nervous to some extend. Does that make me a control freak? Oh gosh. Having to depend on other people or institutions, for instance, is a red flag because that gives them way more power and control over me, than I would ever willingly want to give anyone, if I had a choice. That makes no sense, I give up. If you even made it this far, have a fantastic day!! 😔🙃😊
A-Z Challenge: Rainbow
In such frightening and challenging times we need hope 🌈🕊🍀
Moonlight & Music
A demanding day, for me personally means, that I was exposed to a lot of overstimulation for too long of a period, without an opportunity to get away and calm down. After such an experience, a dark room with either just moonlight or another small source of light and my favorite songs via iPod is the best way to recharge and process this overwhelming day . 🌙🎧
Solid – Benzsoul
Thanks for stopping by. I hope your weekend will be a lovely one.
A-Z Challenge: Quotes
Busted! I’m a quotes junkie, yes I admit it. I can read them for hours. They help me understand myself better, often times they express thoughts and feelings, I can’t manage to put into words myself. And, quotes can provide “food for thought” or be a comfort as well.
Below, I am sharing a few favorites….
“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my ”idea of them.” – Anaïs Nin
“No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich.”
– Louis Sabin
“Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.” – Plato
Mount Everest Is Waiting
“Oh what fun, the Mount Everest of laundry is waiting to be dealt with today!” [sarcasm end]
Fellow Animal Lover
Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
I will never forget the day, when my mom and I flew back to Germany with Aubree. Besides the worries about my new beginning back home, O’Hare Airport with its hustle and bustle was challenging enough. But being anxious about how my little puppy girl would get through that 9 1/2 hour flight was yet another emotional difficulty to be dealt with.
While my mom was at the check-in counter I stayed with Aubree, who was in her kennel and quite worked up due to all the commotion around her. And obviously, she picked up on my nervousness as well. I tried to keep both of us as calm as possible, with very limited success. Then, a man came to get Aubree. That’s when the crazy reached a new level. I could no longer keep it together and a full on panic attack became unavoidable. The man tried to calm me, by showing me pictures of his own dogs at home and promised, that he would personally keep an eye on Aubree for as long as he possibly could. After getting my cell phone number, he send me a video about 30 minutes later, holding my sweet little girl in his arms, cuddling her, smiling big. That really helped me relax a little bit. To this present day, that was by far the sweetest gesture of a complete stranger towards me. And I’m so unbelievably thankful to him, for his kindness. A fellow animal lover, who did what he could to help Aubree and myself get through this stressful situation. Aubree was perfectly fine, when I finally got her back in Frankfurt. She was all excited to be back in momma’s arms, and ready to explore her new environment. 🐾💯💗
Trivialities & Intricacies 
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