To be perfectly honest, I have become disappointingly good at repressing truths that are hurtful. One of them being, that my mother’s son completely rejects me. For years I’ve been trying to reconnect with him and my sister-in-law. Unfortunately, there’s no progress to be made. He just hates me. The truly sad part is, that I don’t even know why. My mom talked to them both a number of times, trying to find out the reason. I have asked them flat out, to just tell me what I have said or done to upset them so much. No answer. I’m given the silent treatment and distance. Throughout the year, not seeing them at all, it is becoming easier to repress the fact that they reject me.
Now, the Christmas season is upon us once again, the time for families to get together, spend quality time, create memories and simply be happy. Well….in a perfect world maybe.
Why is it such a struggle to accept something for what it is, to try and move on? Perhaps it could be more easily done, if I knew the reason for being rejected? At least then, I could try to make amends with them. I could reflect my behavior and learn from it. Because I have this obsessive need to understand everyting, and could not get answers any other way, I reached out to a psychologist on YouTube, who does videos every Saturday and responds to questions and problems of her viewers in the comments section. She actually responded back to me, saying, that most likely it is nothing that I said or did to him/them. She thinks, that my mother’s son is probably not happy with himself, or his own life and projects that onto me. It is also possible, that he is jealous of me, because I lived far away by myself and managed my life without “the family safety net”. There have been some truly rough times, as you’ve been able to learn throughout my time here on WordPress. But I wasn’t “stuck all my life” in the area in which we grew up, like he was. At the same time, no one held him back from doing what he wanted, not even his wife. Why does he hate me for the choices he made? Neither my mom, nor I can come up with a plausible reason to justify his rejection towards me. I will have to find a way to come to terms with this situation the way it is, because there is no sign, that it’s going to change anytime soon. 😢
Category: Intricacies
Muffled Screams
Holy crap on a cracker, I haven’t done this in a very long time. And perhaps it would be a good idea to reinstate this practice, whenever I’m about ready to explode, like right now. Where is the next available pillow for me to scream into?
Okay. Deep breaths. One thing after the other…
I just started cooking, because my mom is not feeling well and wanted to relax on the couch for a while. But she is not happy unless she can criticize me once per day. She just can’t help herself. It took less than 10 minutes, for her to come into the kitchen to “check up on me and to see what I’m doing”. It’s always the same, and it riles me up to no end.
…”Don’t you want to do this first….”
…”I would have done it like this…”
…”Why don’t you try it like this, it’ll be better/easier…”
…”Why don’t you use this instead…”
Oh my days! Just quit micromanaging me! I’m not cooking for the first time ever today. Gawd.
Does she think that I’m incapable of doing anything without her supervision or guidance? At the same time she wonders, why I’m so hard on myself, always aiming for perfection – and failing miserably, of course. Thinking back to my years in America, I miss my independence and my freedom. No one told me anything, it was up to me. The good, the bad, all of it.
Yaaahhhh, I know. She is elderly, I should have patience with her and overlook moments like these. The issue is, that this is not a due-to-old-age problem, it’s been like this for as far back as I can remember. You know what? Sometimes I miss those few thousand miles between the family and myself. They are so much easier to like with a lot of distance in between. Sorry, it’s the truth.
Alright. Now a nice big spoonful of Valerian and I shall get back to “neutral mood” right quick.
After All…
…She Was Correct,
and who would have thought that? Well not my mom, apparently…
It is an ongoing issue between the both of us, that she questions nearly everything I say. No matter if I read something, had a conversation with someone, or draw from my own life experience. She won’t believe it, until two to three other people tell her the exact same thing, or she hears about it on TV. You know, I try to keep calm on the outside. But it drives me bonkers inside. What is her point? Does she think her daughter is a notorious liar? Of all people she should know, that I’m terrible at “telling tales”, and therefore gave up even trying.
Most recent example: A few months ago, I read an article about feeding birds and the best types of feeders. It was stated, that a classic birdhouse, while adorable to look at, is not hygenic. Due to the fact, that the little visitors can get inside and leave their droppings among the seeds, others may end up getting sick. It was suggested to use feeders with just small openings instead.
After reading the article, I purchased one of those feeders. When I brought this topic up in conversation, the response was something like this: “And straight away you’re in panic mode, believe everything you read and make the suggested changes. Yes, it can happen and the birds could get sick, but what are the chances of it happening”?
Now just the other day, in one of her evening shows on TV they discussed this very topic. And what do you know? The very next morning she said to me: “Oh, you know what? You were actually right about the bird feeders. They talked about it last night on TV. Do you still have that other bird feeder for me to use, so that I can take the birdhouse down”?
Honestly, I’m getting to the point at which deep breaths, counting to five and all the “om’s” in this world won’t help anymore. Does my mom think I make up stories? What would I achieve by doing that? I should not let it get to me, I know. But it does take a toll, increasingly so. Most of all I can’t help but wonder, what that says about our mother-daughter-relationship in general.
A Disappointing Morning
Up in the attic are still toys and books from childhood, that I stubbornly refuse to let go of. Other treasures from the 70’s, my heart is not quite so attached to, were taken to the local thrift store to be donated. That was our goal this morning, and then…
The employees were overly picky and disrespectful, saying things like “that book is old, no one wants to read that” and “the box is not in perfect condition, we won’t accept that” or “those toys have little blemishes, we have no use for them”. I had my “verbal guns” at the ready, when one of those men said to his co-worker “gosh, the kind of crap these people bring us, do they think we take everything”? [I know that I have an anger problem sometimes. Justified or not, but that disrespect and ungratefulness was really setting me off]. Lucky for them, I did not have to “aim and fire choice words” at them, because my terminator face mirrors my emotions. They could clearly see, that I was not amused by their behavior. Such a disappointing morning.
Am I wrong, thinking, that thrift stores are geared towards people, who specifically look for items you can’t buy in other shops because they have the value of being old(er) and are perhaps no longer produced? Aren’t those stores also in existence for people, living on a tight financial budget? And if so, I doubt very highly, that these people mind very much, if things have little nicks and dents, so long as they still work properly and are affordable! How do I know the latter? Let’s call it personal experience. When you have to turn every penny twice, you simply can’t afford to be that picky. Even if something isn’t exactly what you would like and the item is everything, except new and perfect, you still appreciate having found it at a much more affordable price. A small monthly budget will teach you gratitude right quick, let me tell you.
Where is this ungratefulness coming from? What is up with disrespct for toys and books our parents, and we ourselves grew up with? Why are items from decades ago not appreciated and valued for their age? You probably think that I’m overreacting, and that’s fine.
I would really like to support our local thrift store and its good cause. Unfortunately they lost my respect this morning. I won’t take precious-to-me items there to donate any longer. And I won’t shop there either in the near future. Being ungrateful for offered donations is one issue. Being disrespectful to the people, who want to do a good deed, is another. Both is equally disappointing and I refuse to support such an attitude, simple as that.
Hooray!!
Let’s make this short and sweet: Jimmy Kimmel is back…
…and shares an important, touching message.
Glad to have you back Jimmy, even here in Germany!!
Old Fashioned?
I’m getting up there in age, and it is beginning to show. I would not call myself resistant to technical advancements or overall progress. But some things are better, the way I know them from childhood and being a young adult. Call me old fashioned? Perhaps. And if so, is that truly negative? I don’t think so, to be honest with you. Is it wrong to evaluate for yourself, whether or not the newest craze is everything it promises to be? And if indeed it isn’t, to steer clear of it? Is it wrong, if you choose not to “follow the herd” blindly? I think not.
To everyone, who prefers Netflix to DVDs, or Spotify to CDs and digital news formats to an actual newspaper [to name a few examples], both is fine and acceptable.
However, in my humble opinion, there is one disappointing “trend” on the horizon. More and more people have quite strong and increasingly negative reactions towards everyone, who is not going with the flow on every tired, boring new thing that tries to push its way into our lives and homes. That is, where the line needs to be drawn if you ask me. It’s not about being called old fashioned. Have at it, I don’t mind. But if the “old way” is becoming a frowned upon option, and you are criticized or even worse excluded, then I would call that a problem in need of address.
The current standard as well as modern advancements can peacefully co-exist, to service and include everyone according to preferences and needs. Perhaps it would be smart, to keep a close eye on how all of this develops from here onward.
And while I do try to find the positive in all these new technical advancements, it needs to be acceptable for everyone to evaluate, to pick and choose what’s right for them and what isn’t.
Old fashioned, the way I appear to be, I will continue to watch DVDs, and turn the pages of my paperback books. Even if they collect a little dust on the shelves, there’s just something satisfying and comforting about having the physical copy of the items you like. Am I wrong?
Silence Is Golden?
We all know the old adage, don’t we? Was silence golden in the situation I am going to write about below? Probably, because the friendship our neigbhor lady and I are beginning to form may have suffered severely otherwise. Well, decide for yourself…
As of late, we’ve been having some really toasty warm days, hot even.
The majority of people stay at home and try to keep hydrated and cool as best possible. And what did our neighbor lady do? She thought, that a bike ride through the woods would be just the ticket….wait for it…. She took her 15 year old dog along, who has health concerns, and had him running at full speed. Later on that evening, via text message, she complained to me, because her dog was so tired and had no energy left. Well gee whiz, why do you think that is?
It took every bit of home training I ever received as a child, not to hurl a few choice words at her.
What the fluff was she thinking? Oh, you know what? It’s nice and hot outside today, why don’t I go for a bike ride and have her running beside me at full speed? And when she flips me the birdie, because she’s exhausted and ready to collapse, I’ll look at her and say “But we’re in the woods, darlin’, it’s cooler here than in town, so what do you want”? Let’s see how much she likes that?! Gosh, I don’t know. Am I overreacting? I know, that sweet little guy is her dog, and it’s not my place to say anything. In hindsight, I think I should have regardless. She is a well-read, intelligent woman, that’s why this stupid action doesn’t fit into the picture at all. Otherwise she makes such a fuss over her dog, for example offering various food choices every day including cooked meals – because he is a picky eater. She buys all kinds of oils, pills, lotions and I don’t know what else to keep him healthy. And in stark contrast to this, that bike ride in the freaking heat. Luckily, her daughter’s kids are still on summer break, keeping their grandma busy and away from me. And while I begrudgingly adhere to the old adage in this instance, about silence being golden, I’m disappointed in her for doing this, and for being so unreasonable even days later.
Social Circus
Okay. It is high time to win the lottery, to buy a private island and put D I S T A N C E between the other people and myself. The “art” of socially interacting seems to be a lost cause for me at this point, it’s hopeless. I’m damn near done trying, to put it bluntly. Misunderstandings are among my greatest struggles, when interacting with others. Yes, I know that autistic people [most, if not all of them to various degrees] run on a different operating system from that of the neurotypicals. Still I’m convinced, that communicating clearly appears to be a problem overall. It starts within the family. If they would just say what it is they truly mean or want, instead of hoping, that I get lucky and read between the lines correctly for once, our daily lives could be a bit easier. What’s this all leading up to? Another episode of me attempting social interaction, featuring yours truly: a misunderstanding. Because it kept me up most of the night, being disappointed in myself and frustrated, I’ll write about it now, hoping to get it out of my system…
It started with a WhatsApp message from our neighbor lady. She told me, that she would like to join us for our evening dog walks more often, beginning Sunday night. What she meant is, that some night after Sunday she wants to walk with us. What I understood is, that she wants to join us on Sunday night and other evenings going forward [yep, I’m guilty, and don’t I know it!?]. After exchanging some details with regard to the time and route, I thought that we’d meet up on Sunday night for our first walk together with the dogs. And yes, I was looking forward to it, because usually it is very enjoyable. There were no more messages after her final response, being “Okay got it. Thanks”. Sunday night, at the mentioned time, she was nowhere in sight, so I walked across the street towards her house. She was outside, watering the plants. And you guessed correctly, I was confused. She looked at me and said, almost accusatory “I’m not coming with you guys tonight, I just got home”. Oh, right! And I should know that, because…..? Am I her personal assistant? Do I run her daily schedule from sunrise to sundown, knowing where she is and what she’s up to? What the fluff!? Whatever. My mom told me to let it go, knowing full well, that wasn’t going to happen.
What peeves me so much is the fact, that most often I get blamed, because I’m the autistic person, who misunderstands everything, all of the time. They never consider the possibility of not having communicated their thoughts and intentions clearly enough. Just blame the “odd one”, who doesn’t grasp the concept anyway, and the whole annoying topic can be dismissed.
Once and for all, I very enthusiastically want to encourage all of you neurotypicals to get one fact through your thick skulls: being autistic does not equal being stupid!
It’s so damn easy and convenient for you, to blame the other [socially challenged] person. But self reflection never hurt anyone, especially when you know, that the person you are having a conversation with struggles with social cues and the ability to “read between the lines”. Internalize, please!
What’s One More?
Several days ago I wrote about an intrusive neighbor lady, who really pushed me a bit too far with regard to Lilly. I don’t know, if other dog parents ever ‘put her in her place’, but I did and it appears to me, that she did not like that. Sorry, but if you so eagerly give your unsolicited opinion, you always run the risk of meeting someone like me. Tough sh!t for you. The world is harsh, deal with it any way you need to. Two evenings ago this woman came walking towards us yet again [ugh] and I prepared myself for drama. Instead, she walked in the street while passing us by, to put a ridiculous amount of distance between herself and us. There was no greeting, not a smile or even a look of acknowledgement. Very mature, but okay, suit yourself.
I shared this encounter with my mom. She said [as always] that I should be ‘the grown-up’ and apologize to her. What? Why? Just because I don’t let some self proclaimed wanna-be-dog-whisperer tell me how to interact with my dog? What the fudge? But of course, straight away my mom fires the standard statements at me, when she runs out of arguments that make any type of sense including, but certainly not limited to…
“Well you probably misunderstood what she meant”
“You take everything so seriously”
“That was your autism kicking into high gear”
“You always overreact like this”
“You need to control yourself”
“You have no idea how to deal with other people”
I should just know it by now. In my mom’s opinion I’m always the problem. It’s never the other person. Gosh, I’m just tired of it, honestly. Only because I told a random woman to mind her own business, basically. Well, another person added to my list of enemies. What’s one more, right?
Boundaries!
First and foremost, happy Sunday! ☀
In case that you don’t know, I can be a jovial, genuinely nice person – difficult to believe but true.
Now, if you push my boundaries and don’t stop before I reach the “boiling point”, then you get to meet my bitch twin right quick. This happens particularly, when it pertains to my dogs. With regard to my fur kiddos, I know very few limits [be advised]. Okay.
A lady, who lives about two blocks away from us, feels called upon to “explain the world” to everyone, who doesn’t get away quickly enough. She is the kind of person, who talks down to others. And if there’s one thing I’m highly allergic to it is, when people talk to me as if I’m a complete idiot. This lady likes animals in general, and no dog in the vicinity is “safe from her”. That’s all fine. You may be certain that I’m the last person to deny my dogs attention and cuddles from other people, as long as they like to receive it.
Just the other evening, Lilly and I enjoyed our walk. Who happens to come walking towards us? “Ma’am-know-it-all”, you guessed correctly. Joy to the world, a scolding / lesson for me was about to be in progress, only because Lilly was happy to see her with a tail wagging at 90 mph and a joyous bark. But right away said lady started in on me “Oh! But you have to teach Lilly not to do this! She is aggressive! She should not be so wound up. How come she doesn’t know that? Don’t you work with her?” This “know-it-all” kept yapping at me, and the grumpy within slowly began boiling. After plenty of chances for her, to just stop and walk away, she crossed the line when this “want-to-be-dog-whisperer” began training Lilly right there in the street. She had the verbal smackdown coming to her, and I’m not sorry. How dare you call my dog aggressive, when there was not even a hint of aggression? How dare you tell me what to do, and what kind of a relationship I should have with my dog? Red Line. Crossed. Don’t missunderstand me please, I’m not the least bit against learning from other people. But the communication style makes all the difference. And why in the first place do you try to make me feel, as if I have to defend or explain myself to you? Where do you get off? Honestly! If you don’t like me or my dog, then be gone please. My life will certainly be better without you in it. Well I told her off in no uncertain terms and I bet, for the foreseeable future she will do her best to avoid us. Another hater. Get in line, because there are quite a few others who have seniority over you 🤣
And just to be perfectly clear: Lilly is a playful, sweet little cuddle bug. She is not aggressive, has never shown her little teeth and has yet to growl at me or anyone else for the first time.
With regard to learning progress: What can you expect from a dog, who survived on the streets of Italy for 5 years? What the fluff is she supposed to know, other than surviving one day at a time, by any means necessary? And besides who would I be, expecting perfection from my dogs, when I am so far away from perfection myself? My little puppy girl is just fine the way she is. She’s not allowed to misbehave [such behavior will be corrected if necessary], but it is very important to me, that her adorable whirlwind personality shines through. Anyone who has a problem with that, can hopscotch their way into oblivion, for all I care. 🐾
Trivialities & Intricacies 