A few nights ago, listening to my favorite songs I realized, that I no longer have a hideout. In America, Milwaukee Wisconsin particularly, I had my “secret places”, where I could go and sing, or cry and scream, and be certain that I would not bother anyone and vice versa.
Back in Germany, I can’t find a place like that within close proximity to my apartment. And I miss that, a lot. Gosh, I used to sing my favorite songs all the time, and it was like medicine. Now, when I go for my walks, and there isn’t anyone nearby, I try for a moment or two and get upset. That’s because I can’t always hit the notes properly, and it just doesn’t sound good. In part, that’s due to my age, but also because I don’t sing regularly anymore. And no, joining a choir isn’t an option because group activities of any kind aren’t for me.
Okay, it’s time to stop now, before I start getting homesick for America again. Maybe one day I will find a little hideout in my town here in Germany as well.
Category: A-Z Challenge
A-Z Challenge: Gambling
Among other places of employment, during my nearly 20 years in America, I worked in a casino for 5 years. That was a roller coaster ride, wow. What you witness there everyday changes you, dependent upon who you are as a person. I used to sell the tokens for slot machines, did minor repairs, and paid out the winnings. You can make excellent tips, if you do your job well. But there’s a creepy side to this, let me tell you. After a while of working there, the regulars get to know you. They start making requests, especially once you sold them a winning token. They want a kiss for good luck [and not on the cheek, either], they want you to sit on their lap, they bring you presents, make marriage proposals, ask you to go away on trips with them. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well it is, and I’m telling you from personal experience. There were some really awkward moments, because our security officers couldn’t always be present quickly enough to stop these crazy guys. Especially, while working second shift, the rich guys came to gamble. A couple of them seemed to think, that they owned “their lucky girl” for the night, and did what I mentioned above. Two of my regulars bought their tokens exclusively from me, only came to the casino on the days I was working. Every week, they wanted to know my days off. I did not like that, nor the fact, that security had to walk us to our cars when our shift [second] was completed. That was the creepy part.
Now on to the sad part of gambling, when it turns into an addiction. When the guests tell you, that they just gambled away the entire paycheck for the week or month, it does something to you if you have a heart beating within your chest. One lady said, that she’d better save her last 10 dollars, to be able to buy some cheeseburgers for her kids at dinner. And more than once, I started my shift, to find guests in front of those damn machines, all disheveled and tired because they haven’t been home to sleep or freshen up. At this point I needed a change. I could no longer be a part of this “hell hole” and do my part of “ruining lives”. Yes, it was a roller coaster ride, and not a pretty or glamorous one.
A-Z Challenge: Forgiveness
Throughout my time here on WordPress, I may have mentioned a time or twenty, that I’m not a fan of people. Clearly, I didn’t just wake up one morning with a made up mind. A few encounters in the past, let’s call them very unpleasant, had the majority to do with everything. Those people taught me painful lessons, no one cares to learn voluntarily. But, it’s water under the bridge now, and I do my best to ignore those dark spots in my otherwise coloful painting of life.
Once in a while I do have flashbacks of certain moments, and it requires conscious effort not to let anger or sadness take control of me. This is, where forgiveness comes into play. It is high time to forgive those women and men for their wrong-doing. Forgive them, not for their sake, but for my own peace of mind. This too, will be a process and I’m ready to take the first step.
A-Z Challenge: Europe
We need to stand united for our common interests.
A-Z Challenge: Dog
“The journey of life is sweeter when traveled with a dog.” – Bridget Willoughby
It has been one and a half years now, without a dog by my side, without Aubree. I miss her every day and truly needed this period of time to accept, that I won’t see her again for quite a while. Our connection, sweet memories and photo books make her loss bearable now. There will always be teary-eyed moments, no matter how much longer I wait.
Quietly, thoughts of welcoming another furry friend into my heart and home are sneaking into the forefront of my mind. There’s so much missing from your life, once you’ve gotten to know the “happy wagging tail welcome”, the cold-nosed “come-play-with-me” nudge, or the sweet cuddle sessions. I know, that I’m repeating myself, but it can’t be mentioned enough, how much love these little sweethearts are willing to give, how well they get to know us, and always feel what it is we need. They give back so much and enrich our lives in abundance, every single day. I miss all of that, a lot. I know, that Aubree is ready to guide me towards a little fur kiddo, who’s waiting for me. I trust her, that the time is right to have “my heart stolen” once again, and to give love, care, safety and happiness to another well deserving little sweetheart 🐾💓
For The Love Of Dogs
🐾 Dog lover that I am, which idea could possibly pop into that head of mine first? Of course! I would make improvements for all of the dogs in my town and for their owners likewise.
What would I do? Well, to begin with I would try to buy a larger piece of land and fence it in. It would be a dog run and play area for everyone to come to as they please, without having to be a member of a local club or organization. If at all possible, I would also build a doggy swimming pool for the warm months, as well as an agilty type area so dogs can be powered out in a playful and fun way.
Next, I would have one or two designated dog trails, where bicyclists and cars are absolutely off limits. Currently, it is quite annoying to walk the existing paths, because you always have to keep a look-out for bicyclists who often times just race by, without any concern for the animals or pedestrians. This would ensure, that dogs have more free run, even if they need to be on a long leash. But you wouldn’t have to call them back, to walk by your side all the time.
And, I would provide free doggy-do-bags, to encourage certain dog owners to clean up after their furry friends. 🐾
A-Z Challenge: Changes
In the grand scheme of things, change is generally a good thing. Without making adjustments as needed, we would never have progressed and evolved to the living standards and conditions we do have today. It takes an open mind and a good portion of curiosity to fully embrace changes.
On a personal level, changes present a challenge. This is partly due to Asperger Autism. Routines and schedules are good friends of mine, because they act as a safety net. Ideally, when something differs from my daily routine, I know exactly what’s happening, at what time, how long it will take, who will be involved….you get the idea. The more information I have, prior to whatever will occur out of the ordinary, the better, because I can (try to) mentally prepare myself. Most often, that makes a positive difference, but it still depends on how I’m doing overall on that particular day. Now heaven forbid something changes last minute, then “Housten, we have a problem”, and crap starts rolling downhill right quick. It frightens me time and again, how fast a nervous or agitated mood can turn into a full on panic mode. Often the lesser, but equally negative response, to last minute changes is anger. That happens, for example, when the handyman is due to arrive at 10 AM to repair something, but doesn’t show up at 10 AM sharp. Another example would be, that we have coffee and cake at 4 PM every afternoon. That is a constant since childhood. Up until about a year ago, it was a minor crisis for me, if we had coffee at 4.15 PM or any other time. Seems ridiculous, I know. And trust me, my mom “challenges me daily”, to help me learn a bit more flexibility and tolerance for such small changes. By now I can manage “the coffee crisis” a lot better, but it does take a considerable amount of conscious effort, to keep my grumpiness in check. So, while I understand that changes are a positive thing overall, it can be quite a challenge every day, to accept and deal with them accordingly.
A-Z Challenge: Butterflies
These delicate, beautifully colored insects generally symbolize transformation and change.
In different cultures they also stand for lightness, hope and love, or bravery and good fortune.
Ever since my little Aubree spread her wings on September 4th 2023, I’ve been seeing a lot more butterflies. Or did I just not pay attention before? Laugh it off, if you want to. I know it’s my little angel reminding me that she is safe and happy, but also, that she is always with me. Now I am not talking about every butterfly I see for a second or two. These precious moments occur, when I’m going for a walk alone and it is quiet around me. Then sometimes, a butterfly appears and accompanies me for quite a while. Usually, these moments ignite a comforting warmth, or a feeling of peace from way down deep, and I always see the same photo of Aubree, which makes me laugh out loud without fail and it brings such joy.
To some, it may well be a wild imagination or hocus-pocus. That’s fine, you do you. To others, myself included, it is a special and very strong bond with a beloved animal or person, that carries on forever. True is also, that it is definitely easier to believe something, when you experience it yourself. We appreciate butterflies, some for their beauty, others also for the messages they convey.
A-Z Challenge: Authenticity
I stumbled upon a writing challenge, throughout the month of April. Apparently there are a few rules and guidelines to this. If I understand correctly, participants are asked to choose a theme and corresponding words for each letter of the alphabet. That’s really nice and lots of fun, I’m sure. You know what, though? I am doing this A-Z challenge my way, off the cuff. Are you ready for the ride? Then get buckled up and we’re starting with A for authenticity…
For decades I painstakingly tried to be, who family members, co-workers or friends thought I should be. I felt like an actress, performing to the best of my abilities. Needless to say, my performance was never good enough, but if anything, I was “easier to deal with”. It took me way too long to realize that I was everyone, except my true self. Every time I had to introduce myself somewhere and talk about who I am, or better yet, what makes me unique, I didn’t know what to say, because I had nothing to share. And one day, a few years ago, my mind was made up that I needed to find myself. Trying to be authentic every day is a challenge, that never gets any easier. It takes a lot of courage, more than I have most days, and quite often the people around me are not amused. Why? Because I no longer do what I’m told, if it feels wrong, or if I don’t like/agree with whatever is asked of me. Right quick I was given labels like difficult or head strong. And you know what? If it makes them happy, let them label me. That’s fine. I’m finally getting to the point, at which I try to internalize, that other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. If I don’t hear it myself, I don’t need to concern myself with whatever is being said. I have a much better understanding now with regard to who I am, and that’s all I need to care about.
Pertaining to this blog: I’m not here to prove myself to anyone. I’m not here to impress anyone. You won’t find me using “fancy words” [that need to be researched first, about the correct meaning, proper use or spelling]. I won’t attempt to dazzle you with anything, that I can’t back up in real life. So what you read here, this is who I am, it is what I do, think and feel. There is no difference between my online and offline personality. The content I will share here is certainly not everybody’s interest, but it is authentic. And that’s a good start, I think.
Trivialities & Intricacies 
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